Aloette Gentle Foaming Cleanser

My sister sent me a message recently: "I need your address, dammit!"

"Aggressive." was my first thought. My second thought was the realization that my own sister didn't know my address, and immediately my crests fell audibly. But I soldiered on, because I knew that free stuff was coming.

I received my sacred package. "Hot damn!" I thought, "It's time to cleanse." Then I realized I hate cleaning myself. Crap. Now I have a project. Seriously? Can't I just hire a box full of kittens to lick the dirt off me? Gah.

But, I am nothing if not dutiful, so I grabbed the enormous tube - as much as it strained my muscles - and dragged it to the kitchen sink with a grunt. (I'd have washed my face in the bathroom sink, but that one is possessed. A story for another time.)

Because I learned from my mistake last time, I left the lights on, and read the directions for use. It was at this point I discovered I was about to wash my stupid, low-class moon face with green tea and chamomile extracts. Surely my idiotic skin would reject such loveliness. I had to find out for myself.

I ran the water and got it to the perfect, just-below-scalding temperature (I need to be punished, but not that much), rinsed my face and twisted off the cap. I knew from doing my research that I was meant to massage the product over my face - and being the logical woman I can sometimes be, I decided my hands were the best tool for the job. I allowed a gorgeous smoosh of the cleanser to drop into my palm.

"No. It can't be!" I exclaimed. "This is not a facial cleanser, this is liquid unicorn burps!"  It glistened, pinkly, and for a time, I was mesmerized. I looked into the unicorn belch and the unicorn belch looked into me.

Finally, I applied it. Tingly! But I could expect nothing less from something so very beautiful. Then I rinsed - thoroughly - which was easy, since it lifted off my skin as though it had never been upon it. It's just a wisp of a memory - had it ever really happened?

My face felt so content, so magically transformed by eructations from a mythical beast ... well, I could almost write a poem about it. If only I weren't so exhausted from the act of self care, that is.

Meanwhile, my mother-in-law was having lunch one day when I decides to wash my face. I explained to her that sorcery was about to be performed via chamomile and green tea and she wildly suggested I could also drink my cleanser. I do not recommend this. Never take advice from a woman wearing her underwear as a shawl while she eats a "salad" made entirely of sunflower kernels, canned salmon and uncooked Arborio rice.


In all seriousness ... this is a lovely cleanser. My skin is combination, but mostly greasy. Right after using it, my skin doesn't feel greasy at all, but it also doesn't feel dry and tight - even without a moisturizer. Hours later, I don't have an oil slick on my face, which is what typically happens with a harsh oil-remover.

A couple caveats: It doesn't foam. But really, that doesn't matter. I'd also store the bottle with the cap up. This product wants to get on you so badly, it all tries to rush out at once, and as much as a little goes a long way with it, you don't want to waste a single, marvelous drop.

When I first started the experiment, my skin was breaking out, worse than usual during that time of the month. The morning after the first use, the redness and blemishes were reduced significantly. A couple days in, everything had calmed down. Definitely recommend for oily and sensitive skin. Also, call your mother, she worries about you.

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Aloette Visible Aid Cream

 I can remember the day my sister handed me a tube of Aloette Visible Aid Cream like it was yesterday. I read the words printed on it aloud and in the form of a question. She responded by reminding me for the seven dozenth time that she loves the way I say "cream".

Then she explained, "This stuff is magic. Put it on your skin. Say 'cream' for me again."

I was initially skeptical, but once she informed me that it was made with certified organic aloe and was paraben free, I was ready to try it. But not just then. Not in front of her. This had to be a private moment. I'd always foolishly exposed myself to buckets of parabens and uncertified aloe, to varying degrees of satisfaction failure, and I felt a measure of excitement I couldn't put into words even in my native tongue.

So I treasured it away in my carry-on bag and protected it ruthlessly during my journey halfway across the country. I even let out a low growl when a TSA agent opened my bag and gave it the stink eye. "It's only two ounces!" every fiber of my being hissed under every fiber of its breath.

Once settled in at home, I locked myself in the bathroom with a lone candle burning and stood solemnly in front of the mirror, clutching the tube and regarding my reflection for a moment. I slowly began to twist off the cap when I realized that I was going into this adventure without having even read the directions!

I turned the vessel of visible aid over in my palm and immediately realized the fine print was impossible to read by lone candlelight. Devil! I was going to have to storm this castle blindly. I took a jagged breath, and removed the cap with a flourish. It flew across the room and plonked against my rubber ducky (don't judge). But I couldn't stop now, so I deftly squoze one and one half velvety dollops onto the back of my hand.

I briefly considered tasting it, or putting it into my eye - but then I remembered how the last time I did that I was full of regret. I gave it a healthy sniff. Pleasant. Next, I rubbed it against my skin and watched it disappear. "How does science do that?" I mused briefly, before realizing that my hand was now both soft and not greasy.

"MAGIC!" I bellowed into the air as I held the cream aloft. "FROM THE PORES OF THE VERY GODS TO MY LOWLY, YET NOW SUPPLE EPIDERMIS!"


But, in absolute seriousness, I hate smells and I hate lotion. This cream is pretty delightful. I did an experiment with it. I applied it to the back of my left hand for a full week, twice a day.  After two days, I was kinda freaking out at the difference in texture between the two hands. It was as though light was reflecting off it differently. Even after stopping the experiment, I could still see a change in the skin on my left hand, more than a week later.

I also put in on the back of one of my son's arms, since he has dry skin which manifests in tiny bumps. Two days in, I could feel a definite difference. After a week, almost all of the bumps were gone. Of course, I probably won't waste this lotion on my child's arm bumps. I'm not that good of a mother.

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